DON’T FEAR CORONA: FEAR SPANDEX

Don't fear Corona

We’ll survive Covid-19. Some haven’t. Most will.

Whether we test it into submission, irradiate it in the lab, herd it into a corner, beat it to death against the cattle feeder or vaccine the living daylights out of the sucker (which of the business oligarchs will be the first to win the race?), we’ll lick it- well, maybe not LICK it…not recommended. 

My fellow lockdowners, my global brother and sisterhood all masked, gloved, sat  waiting to strike the ‘Lovely Rona’ a fatal blow; it is not she we need to fear. 

It is spandex.

 They’ve been lurking since the 80’s, these fiendish fitness ninja. First they danced across our television sets in the morning, their bulging bits locked down inside fancy fabric. Experiments with keeping things in their place hidden in plain sight, even then.

They branched out later, VHS then DVD: a dastardly penetration into our homes. Every day from the video library, mocking our obesity and once a year fitness regime: a glen walk after Christmas lunch. 

They knew we gluttons would reach for them eventually.

We struck back though with evolution, in the nineties and naughties: ‘What’s VHS?’ ‘DVD?’ Fading it out, sir’.

But they were not deterred. The internet became their ally. 

‘How much? I’m not paying that!’ was our saving cry. No-one could bemoan the moan that the Spandex guru’s would be stealing food from our children’s mouths. Subscription fees? fat chance, said us fat folk. 

We sat back in front of the sofa and scoffed bite size chocs; another fitness crisis averted. 

Then came their slickest move to date; and yes, it does deserve a tip of the hat. It’s not clear who put them up to it- Gates, Icke, Trump?- but it was a stroke of evil genius.

Covid-19 and the fitness gurus rode into town: Together. Like the plague they came: ‘FREE’ was the blinding clause. 

“The lockdown abs course; FREE– because I want to help!”

“The Covid-19 health regime; FREE– let’s beat this together!”

“Dancing with Rona; FREE– You’re only two step-ball-changes from health!”

“But it is FREE,” I hear you say, waving your credit card statement; “And I feel FANTASTIC, darling”. 

Please put your shirt back on and get back in your lane.

  • Gates wanted us to meet his ‘free’ Paperclip friend
  • Zuckerberg wanted us to have lots of ‘free’ friends.
  • Huawei wants the whole of China to move into our pockets- at no extra charge!

Nothing is for nothing people! 

And when you’ve read the 4,011th email of a train that smashed through your GDPR barricade and forced you to reach for your wallet just to save your sanity- “Post Corona boot camp: flush the last phlegm: Just £49.99; special offer for loyal users”- I’ll be watching from the end of my flat earth and I’ll be nodding:

I told you so.


Matt Jardine is an author and writer. His previous books include Mo and Lucy – Choices, The Hardest Path, inspired by his 88 Temple pilgrimage of Japan, and his latest release, How to be a Buddhist Millionaire. Matt has practiced meditation and other Eastern arts for over 25 years and now lives between London and Oman with his wife and Jack Russell.

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